The 52: First Girl I loved

 From June 2023 to June 2024 I'll be watching a lgbtqia+ film each week and coming back here with my thoughts, feelings and plenty of hopes we aren't met with the "kill your gays" trope. I call this The 52.

Should we start off with the obvious? We'll start off with the obvious.

I'm a little behind on the reviews.

Yet I have not been caught off guard in the film-department and have a heft of reviews coming very soon- look forward to my thoughts on Ellie and Abbie (and Ellie's Dead Aunt) in particular). But for now: film number 2...

Within seconds First Girl I Loved perfectly encapsulates queer love and joy: the split second when the main character meets eyes with the girl she likes and the world stills and a smile is shared and words aren't enough to convey the magic and perfection of that moment. I didn't know if I would like this film, but for that moment alone I loved it.

Image care of Wikipedia

Unfortunately… the majesty and beauty of first love and youth really didn’t last long. I thought I was overreacting at this feeling of unease that seemed to be dogging the film, but the instant the scene that confirmed it began I knew I had been right.

I’m not entirely sure what message this film aimed to convey. First love, obviously - I mean that’s in the title, even ~I~ see that symbolism - but what about first love? That it’s twisted? That it’s beautiful until you share it? That it is unsteady and unbalanced and messy? The moments of genuine, unfettered joy that the main characters experienced together were few and far between. We see them at a bar, dancing together, having their first kiss- all watched by a pair of men who are sexualising them, recording them, making what should be a tender first experience something terribly exploited. 

There’s a lot that honestly didn’t make sense to me. The film moves back and forth between time in a way that I didn’t understand or even always notice. There’s a whole plot with a bike that seems ~really~ significant but it was so bizarre that I was left watching the credits with a frown of utter confusion. How did the bike… when the timeline made it seem like- and that had already happened so…? If anyone has bike related answers, please message me.

The film tries to have a meaningful conversation about sexual assault and the repercussions of being outed, but I just don’t think they handled it particularly well; with some scenes shown and some faded out, we get three characters talking about rape and it’s left to the viewer to decide who and what we believe. Is this clever, making us consider victim blaming in a landscape where so many people go straight for “innocent unless proven guilty”? Or is it insensitive, showing us a situation where a man who rapes eventually comes to realise what he did and blames himself while the victim believes this, and a later assault, are because she makes bad decisions- only to leave the scene where rape is alleged as a fade to black, left to become a ground for what feels suspciously like male justice. It’s unjust and uncomfortable and perhaps that is reality? But I didn’t like it.

First Girl I Loved seems, at first sight, to be a youthful foray into love, but it’s heavy and dark and I left it feeling like the past hours had been a blur. I appreciate the casting of lgbtqia+ actors in lgbtqia+ roles, but damn. I feel bad for Brianna Hildebrand having to wear that wig.

Like things shorter? Follow me on Letterboxd and see my First Girl I Loved review.